Normally, diet recipes are not winners — at the end of the day, food is food, diet culture is silly, and people who feel they need to eat something like this Diet Chinese Almond Float have suffered enough. Simply put, I’ve never had a “healthy” lasagna that’s tasted anywhere near as good as just lasagna. Now, to be fair, I have not had a regular almond float, but I imagine they are a Cantonese comfort food for a reason.

Chef Glenn Davis

Republican Representative from Wisconsin

As always, I followed the recipe word for word directly from the star shortstop of the congressional baseball team, with no alterations:

INGREDIENTS

1 envelope unflavored gelatin

1.25 cups cold water

sweetener equal to 4 tbsp sugar

1 tbsp almond extract

3/4 cup skim evaporated milk

1 small can unsweetened pineapple chunks or mandarin oranges

INSTRUCTIONS

1) Sprinkle gelatin on cold water, let soften, and then heat to dissolve, stirring constantly.

2) Add sweetener, extract, and milk. Pour into flat pan. Chill.

You have your choice of sweeteners, but I tried to stay true to the recipe — clearly, it did not want me to use sugar. Same with maple syrup, honey, agave, etc. No, I went with a low/no-calorie sweetener popular in the 1970s: sucralose. Feel free to use monk fruit, Stevia, or whatever other zero calorie sweetener you can find.

3) When set, cut in 1/2 inch squares or diamonds, place in serving dishes and add pineapple chunks or mandarin oranges with juice. Makes 4 to 6 servings.

I went with squares and I went with mandarin slices — the only reason I skipped pineapple was that I’d included it in several recipes before, including the famous Anniversary Horseradish Salad. I needed a change, and the recipe gave me an out.

Voila! If you want to actually watch me attempt to eat it, go to the CwC Instagram or TikTok. The end results are texturally fascinating. I’m not familiar with actual Chinese Almond Float, but this has the color and feel of raw scallops. Like some sort of amaretto sashimi, this dish is shimmering with mandarin water (not syrup — diet, remember?) and smells strongly of almonds. The dish has a certain jiggle to it. I wish it called for one maraschino cherry on top a la Newt’s Fruit, but alas.

Verdict:

My god, this is not for me. Would I like it if it were regular milk instead of skim? Syrup instead of mandarin water? Sugar instead of sucralose? Probably. I’d try REAL Cantonese almond float in a heartbeat, but with the hope that it does not feel like a sloppy fruit oyster in my mouth.